how do you like being a mommy?

I knew the moment I got pregnant, and I've heard women say this and I always would be thinking "yeah right... crazy" silently. because there's no way to know for sure right at that moment right? but I did know and i remember having the thought "and now i'm pregnant" it was August 24, 2010. I remember going to work and being extra careful about washing my hands and gowning up for isolation patients for the few weeks before i could take a test and be "officially" pregnant. my emotions at this point were kind of passive, it was just a matter of fact thing to me. When I did take the test, and there were two lines there instead of one there was a kind of mixture of emotions that i didn't really expect (not that i had any real expectations, i was kind of 'flying blind' i guess). I was so excited and a little panicked, and very happy. I say I didn't expect to feel that way because I've never been an especially maternal person, on many occasions i felt especially ill equipped around young children, i didn't know how to talk to them or play with them. I was the younger sister and had never spent any real time around babies. they were undeniably cute, but that was about the extent of my admiration. I knew one day Jesse and I would have children because we both wanted a family, but I've never had that 'baby urge' or longed for motherhood. I thought when it happened i would mourn my lack of sleep, loss of freedom and personal portability, and thought it would end Jesse and my special 'couplehood' and closeness (of course we'd still love each other but it wouldn't be just 'us' anymore)

    all that being said mommyhood enveloped me right away (well maybe not right away, the first five days or so are sort of a fuzzy blur in my memory) but i cant imagine now how i would spend my days without him, or what i would spend my time on. and while i do sometimes lament my lack of sleep (usually only around 4 am or so) i feel no less free than i did before and Jess and I are just as close if not closer than we were before. (if someone is gonna hold your knees while you push out a person you better dang well be close!)

here we go

well Ive been feeling the urge to write my own secret public diary ... I'll probably write a few times and quit but hey here we go....
About me:
I like elipses... you'll see them alot...
I dont use punctuation correctly, deal with it.... people are dealing with things now
I'm bad at explaining myself out loud, if you meet me in person I'm probably a bit different than I am on here organizing my thoughts on the spot are a bit difficult for me.
Im a blunt person (in my head) I have to be Reeaaally comfortable with you generally to tell you what I      think, so generally my lovely husband gets most of those gems.
I just gave birth to an 8lb 4oz boy Malachi Daniel, I had him at home, with a midwife, no drugs.
I guess I'm sort of crunchy? but I also LOVE caffeine, sugar and other such poisons.
I'm not against medicine, I'm an RN and I hand out morphine like its candy on halloween... but for me and my birth I wanted to have it au naturale...
Theres alot about birth culture that bothers me... part of the reason I started this was to talk about all these newfound issues that are now facing me...
I use words like thoroughfare, bumber crop etc.