So today was a longish day. Woke up pretty early and made our way out to the hospital to see for perhaps the last time my grandpa. The man who used to make wooden toys for us and had a yard full of wooden "whirlygigs" furiously twirling in the wind. A man who served as a seabee in WWII. Who I vaguely remember taking us fishing in an old boat with blue seats. I can remember random Christmas presents he gave to my sister and I. I have a memory of being small and crying for some forgotten reason and him hugging me. I remember breakfast at his house and I remember him at my grandmas funeral. Every thanksgiving he tells the same story about a pecan pie he made with only 2 eggs, and every year we listen like its the first time, and I will think of it every year. I gave him a kiss and told him it was ok to let go if he wants to. I have no way of knowing if he heard or understood my words.

No cry what solution?

Well since July I have had a few thoughts and pondered some things deeply... And then he started crawling... So I think I might have my wits about me to try this again

I have noticed how considerate my baby is, he allows me to lay him down for bed, he sleeps. And I think "oh sweet Jesus, is tonight the night?"(no, I'm not blaspheming, these are actual prayers)-and by 'the night' I mean, will he sleep through? Will he sleep more than three hours? (he is 8 months old and sleeps on average 3(3!) hours at a time...3). So any way I lay him down, he allows me enough time to put his toys away, wipe the dried puréed baby glue, I mean baby food off of the table, do the dishes and maybe put the diapers in the dryer. I start to get excited. It's been three and a half hours! The bedtime routine is working! I even post a smug 'my boy is asleep' Facebook status compiled with a a capital 'd' smiley face.
And then I hear him, beckoning me back to our rocking chair, where we snuggle and he eats until he decides we are through. I have read and applied the "no cry sleep solution"- (we REALLY did this one, sleep logs, nap logs, key words, special lotion, special bedtime stuffed animal you name it) "baby wisperer" and parts of "babywise". And have decided they are all crap.
Some kids sleep 12 hours at 2 days old, I do not have that kid. But I know soon enough he will not want to snuggle with me and I will have to fight tooth and nail to drag him out of bed at noon. So I will relish the nuzzles and little grabby hands while they want me.

how do you like being a mommy?

I knew the moment I got pregnant, and I've heard women say this and I always would be thinking "yeah right... crazy" silently. because there's no way to know for sure right at that moment right? but I did know and i remember having the thought "and now i'm pregnant" it was August 24, 2010. I remember going to work and being extra careful about washing my hands and gowning up for isolation patients for the few weeks before i could take a test and be "officially" pregnant. my emotions at this point were kind of passive, it was just a matter of fact thing to me. When I did take the test, and there were two lines there instead of one there was a kind of mixture of emotions that i didn't really expect (not that i had any real expectations, i was kind of 'flying blind' i guess). I was so excited and a little panicked, and very happy. I say I didn't expect to feel that way because I've never been an especially maternal person, on many occasions i felt especially ill equipped around young children, i didn't know how to talk to them or play with them. I was the younger sister and had never spent any real time around babies. they were undeniably cute, but that was about the extent of my admiration. I knew one day Jesse and I would have children because we both wanted a family, but I've never had that 'baby urge' or longed for motherhood. I thought when it happened i would mourn my lack of sleep, loss of freedom and personal portability, and thought it would end Jesse and my special 'couplehood' and closeness (of course we'd still love each other but it wouldn't be just 'us' anymore)

    all that being said mommyhood enveloped me right away (well maybe not right away, the first five days or so are sort of a fuzzy blur in my memory) but i cant imagine now how i would spend my days without him, or what i would spend my time on. and while i do sometimes lament my lack of sleep (usually only around 4 am or so) i feel no less free than i did before and Jess and I are just as close if not closer than we were before. (if someone is gonna hold your knees while you push out a person you better dang well be close!)

here we go

well Ive been feeling the urge to write my own secret public diary ... I'll probably write a few times and quit but hey here we go....
About me:
I like elipses... you'll see them alot...
I dont use punctuation correctly, deal with it.... people are dealing with things now
I'm bad at explaining myself out loud, if you meet me in person I'm probably a bit different than I am on here organizing my thoughts on the spot are a bit difficult for me.
Im a blunt person (in my head) I have to be Reeaaally comfortable with you generally to tell you what I      think, so generally my lovely husband gets most of those gems.
I just gave birth to an 8lb 4oz boy Malachi Daniel, I had him at home, with a midwife, no drugs.
I guess I'm sort of crunchy? but I also LOVE caffeine, sugar and other such poisons.
I'm not against medicine, I'm an RN and I hand out morphine like its candy on halloween... but for me and my birth I wanted to have it au naturale...
Theres alot about birth culture that bothers me... part of the reason I started this was to talk about all these newfound issues that are now facing me...
I use words like thoroughfare, bumber crop etc.